After a rest trip, she realized that she was just beginning to feel alive.
Juan Tonelli’s pen brings you a reflection that involves making decisions, living life intensely and ending ties, no matter how comforting the life you lead, if there is something that drives you to fly. Flying!.
Enjoy today, it’s later than you think. Chinese proverb. Everything was already organized, she would go to the country for the weekend to visit her friend Florencia. Luis, her husband, would take care of Pili, their daughter, who was four years old.
They had made very fun plans and Isabella could go very calmly to give herself, even for a few days, to the pleasure of conversations with her friend.
He got to paradise pretty quickly, luckily there wasn’t much traffic. Her friend was waiting for her with a succulent lunch and they did not stop talking until it was time for her nap.
"Well, my dear friend, in the country you take a nap, so here I go, see you in a bit."
-Excellent! Nap! I’m leaving too.
The guest bedroom was simple and cozy. Florencia had put flowers in a vase along with some scent branches. How he knew her and how he pampered her … He felt happy to have those moments of so much pleasure. Rest and not worry about anything, a great plan.
She lay back on the bed with a book that she took out of her bag and very soon fell asleep to the sounds of the birds that invited her to sleep.
In the evening, they drank and laughed until late. When it was time to sleep, Isabella told her friend:
—Go to sleep, Flor, I arrange things, that you have already done enough and I don’t want to give you a job, lest you don’t invite me more.
—Don’t worry, let’s leave everything like that, come on, it’s late …
—No, you go. By the way I stay a while in the gallery.
Isabella finished washing and ordering the dishes and glasses and sat on the veranda for a while. He looked at the starry sky until it seemed to him that it was floating, it was like being in the sky. He was frightened by that strange sensation and then it happened. For the first time in his life he felt that he was mortal, he felt that his life had an expiration date. At first he was scared, he could not breathe because not only had he felt mortality in his body, but he believed that he was going to die at that moment and all he thought was: "I have not lived yet." She froze, feeling that she could no longer be distracted, living as if she were immortal.
He didn’t sleep all night.
The next morning, he made breakfast, waited for Florencia to wake up, and said:
"Something came up, I have to go in a bit."
"Did something happen, friend?"
—No, no, everything is fine but Luis called me, you can see that he is not very used to being alone with Pili, the girl misses me.
"Next time you have to come with her."
Of course the thing about Luis’s call was an invention, but she had to urgently go talk to him. He didn’t want to share with anyone what had happened to him that night. I felt it was very private, an untransferable experience. Talking about it would have taken away the mystery that she still felt.
When he got home there was no one. Luis had probably taken Pili for a walk. He unpacked and waited impatiently until they arrived. Pili arrived asleep. When Luis returned to the living room, the question of why he had returned earlier was drawn on his face. Isabella was able to tell him that she didn’t love him anymore. Luis was stunned but did not lose his conciliatory tone:
—Love, we go through many crises, we are also going to overcome this.
"Neither you nor I are the same as fifteen years ago." I lived my whole life for you; but not anymore. I do not regret anything I have experienced. I discovered that I am not the other. I am not you. I ate this tale of half oranges. And I come to discover that each one is a complete orange. I need to make my life. For example, I no longer like them, I no longer tolerate things like taking care of the
home, that every night I have to have dinner ready and rich. I was never interested in it, but for years I did it because I assumed it was my duty. I discovered that I do not want to continue living like this.
—But it’s a minor issue, we can fix it …
"It’s just that the time to fix something is over." Happy in life to have lived what we live, but I no longer have interest that we continue together. I lived overturned to your desires and needs, and now I want to live for myself. Do you know what happens? I found out that time is running out.
Isabella, 40 years old
I surprised myself hearing that blunt phrase he had said. Luis froze. Yes, yes, we were a great couple, with all the ingredients of two people who share a life full of love, encounters and misunderstandings. Despite almost two decades together, we had not lost complicity. To such an extent that the waiter of a bar that we had frequented for a couple of years took it for granted that we were lovers. Apparently we could not have such a wave and be married.
After saying that I felt empty but at peace. I had just taken a huge weight off my shoulders that I hadn’t noticed. A couple of days later, and despite the fact that Luis did not agree with my unilateral decision, we were already organizing the separation. The crisis was only beginning. She hadn’t left Luis for another man, Luis was not a cocaine addict, a compulsive gambler, a hitter, or a failure. Nothing. But the subject was no more. I was wasting my time, I did not feel happy, neither full nor free. My life would have to take a turn.
I wanted to live life. Nothing to vegetate or pass. Live everything well lived. Was it a superficiality? An immaturity? Perhaps, but he needed to find out and not read it in Aristotle’s treatises.
But what would have happened in between? When had I started to separate, without even realizing it? I didn’t get a lot of answers but I did get some clues. From the most superficial to the deepest.
Among the former was the simple fact of having to bring her breakfast in bed every day. Despite having done it lovingly for fifteen years, it was not something that I liked. It would have been a pleasant surprise if one day I had been the honoree, which never happened.
Another example along the same lines was that she should be responsible for the house , even for the food. If the refrigerator was empty or the food was not tasty, I felt guilty for not having fulfilled my “obligation”. And at what point had he agreed to that? The truth is, I hated those things.
Deep down there was that crazy idea that we were half oranges that had to be completed. Although I was not a practicing Catholic, all the dogmas and injunctions received in childhood had conditioned me. As much as people used to think otherwise, they were much more tied up than they imagined. And perhaps that was the biggest problem: not just being programmed, but ignoring the programming.
The mid-life crisis wore me on, including my mighty belt. Wonder Woman had failed. And, curiously, I was relieved that it was so.
All these experiences taught me that it is impossible for two to be one. We are two complete oranges, with characteristics, limitations and peculiarities. That they can meet and, with a lot of effort, choose to share their lives.